I feel like I’m falling apart!
I’ve been dealing with this these feelings for awhile now and its time they come to an end! They are absorbing my entire being and I can’t get free of them. My mind is constently waiting for the next moment that my one step closer to happiness is caught and I’m thrown back to the ground. It happens so quickly and I try and fight but in the end I usually lose. The cutting has come to a point where I know if I start it again I won’t stop. I can’t believe its come to that and Im ashamed. I look at the scare on my arm wondering WTF was I thinking but I can feel it all overagain. The pain that never has entirely left me. In fact it has only gotten worse. Im relying on people and its wrong of me to do so. Its not their problem it is my own and as much as it sucks to realize…I’m the only one that can change me. I guess I should want to change. I should want something. The truth is I don’t. Its like I could care less that I’m here right now. How messed up is that!? I know its messed up! There are so many people in the world wishing that they had one more day and I’m here wishing that today was my last! Thats messed up!! I’m not going to kill myself that much I’m positive of. As much as I think about it I can’t leave the ones that I have in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone and make them feel anything like the way I’ve been feeling lately. It’s terrible. I wish I could go back and live the life that once made me happy. That all the people that are missing in my life come back and make things right. For me to remember what its like to have a purpose and that someone honestly needs you. I need to change the way my life is going but who the heck knows how to do that? IDK. I just can’t feel like this forever. I”m getting so tired of it and the worst thing is its effecting everything about me. Actually, not only me but the people around me too. My family I hardly speak to and they live in the same house, I ignore my friends phone calls because its hard to fake being happy when ur so very not. It’s better to just say “I was busy” then to have to listen to the worry in their voices. I have been talkiing to a psyciatrist and a therapist tho. Seems to be goin ok. Just still can’t stop these weird moods I get into. IDK. Its about 4:15am I guess I should try and get some sleep. Thanks for lisening to my rant. Hopefully this will change soon!
XoX
we all go throw such phases in our lives, mostly when the spark of love have vanished. but for some it just merely lust.
we always try to find something that isn’t there, something to spice up our lives. for some, it may be a pothole that was left by a father when he joined the US navy and never came back, and for some- it may be just a phase of loneliness and despair, but what ever it is that is holding you down girl, soon …
things will work out.
nkululeko - June 10, 2009 at 5:47 am |
Hi, interesting story!
I had a client who called himself a chronic depressive. What we discovered was that that was simply someone’s impression of him as a boy of 6. After that he learnt how to be a chronic depressive and became very good at it.
Just as in your story, at the age of 38 he decided it had to stop because he realised there was a life to live. His internal vision saw everything as black and his future was as close to now as it is possible to be and self motivation was at zero. In five sessions he moved from that state to planning to find his own apartment, change his job and create his own company also taking a holiday abroad. Not bad for a chronic depressive who saw the world through black glasses.
What was the key to this change? Well, I listened and listened and then concluded that his actual life was just about normal with a few exceptions. Yes, it was all down to perceptions. I do believe the changing point was during the second session when I demonstrated how his life corresponded much the same as those he envied. At that point he stopped thinking of himself as a chronic depressive.
I see from your description that you are certainly suffering; you see, as mentioned above it is all about beliefs, and perceptions. Now I suspect that statement might cause you to feel annoyed, yet listen. I realise it may not seem easy. If you change what you believe about yourself and your life many other things will change and that has a snowball effect.
You talk about wanting to go back to how things were in your past. That is quite normal unfortunately unless you have a time machine that wish is impossible. It is also impossible to even stand still, weather we like it or not we have to go forward. When you were happy it is very likely you were creating your future and then for some reason you stopped doing that.
Someone said, “The best way to predict the future is to create it.”
I feel that should you choose to start designing and planning your future again you will also begin to make progress in most other areas of your life.
However, all well intentioned words are worthless without conviction and focus. You are your own best healer. You have the power to break the cycle the moment you choose to make that effort.
EFT tapping therapy may help. EFT is a development of acupuncture without the needles. Look it up on the internet, most information including videos is freely available. You do the tapping yourself and it is recommended and used by many in the medical profession. Success rates appear to be quite amazing.
Also, why not start changing the beliefs of your tags list. Have you read it? That really is a hum-dinger, probably the best or worst I’ve seen. Test this suggestion and change every negative word for a positive, uplifting or happy word, then see what happens.
robertpaul - June 10, 2009 at 9:58 am |