What was I thinking?!? I’ll tell you…

I’m not proud of myself for doing this. I’m not saying it was right or that I’ll try it again. But for that moment, that day it made sense. The there night I felt completley miserable and for one reason or another decided to just get completely wasted. I never drink much anymore since my one encounter landed me in the hospital. I always feel so alone anymore and drinking alone didn’t make me feel any better. TBH i was going to drink and thin my blood and then maybe it would have been easier to cut. Not cut to actually end my life but cut the pain out. I know you’re probably thinking that is sooo insain but at the time it made sense. I’ve been struggling with self harm for a long time longer then a year right now and I’m trying so hard to get away from the temptation but yet I circle back around to it once in a while. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and all that but honestly its not working for me. Anyway, I ended up getting really drunk and taking a bunch of pills.  I couldn’t take the way my life was anymore. I just hated being alone while everyone esle can easily go out and have fun its such a pain for me. It hurts so much. I’m wasting away thinking about why I should live and there is no answer. All my life I haven’t had anything of my own. I’ve had the constant reminders from people that I didn’t belong. My family usually the ones supplying those remarks. I’ve always had friends but lately they are no where to be seen. I blame that mainly on getting older and growing up I guess. They say they are their for me but it just feels like they say that to take the easy way out. Saying it to kinda belittle the actual situation that I’m not right and probably make themselves feel good. So i laid there.I waited to die. WTF?!? I thought about my family and how much I would hurt them and my friends that say they need me and I regreted it so much but it was too late I had all ready taken them. I fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning I was disgusted with myself! I hate the fact that I let myself get to that point. I thought I wanted to die but truth is that I don’t. I just want a reason to live. For someone to actually want me to stay alive.  People say it’s a selfish thing to try and kill yourself but they don’t know how it feels. If  they knew they wouldn’t say that. I mean, it’s actual pain to stay alive to wake up with out meaning or anyone around you that gives a damn. IDK whats going to happen. I know i’m not going to try and give up like that again. I know I need help and I’ve asked for it but once again….no ones there. Idk if i can do this on my own. Myself is pretty messed up tbh. IDK thanks for listeningl. xoxo

I feel like I’m falling apart!

I’ve been dealing with this these feelings for awhile now and its time they come to an end! They are absorbing my entire being and I can’t get free of them. My mind is constently waiting for the next moment that my one step closer to happiness is caught and I’m thrown back to the ground. It happens so quickly and I try and fight but in the end I usually lose.  The cutting has come to a point where I know if I start it again I won’t stop. I can’t believe its come to that and Im ashamed. I look at the scare on my arm wondering WTF was I thinking but I can feel it all overagain. The pain that never has entirely left me. In fact it has only gotten worse. Im relying on people and its wrong of me to do so. Its not their problem it is my own and as much as it sucks to realize…I’m the only one that can change me.  I guess I should want to change. I should want something. The truth is I don’t. Its like I could care less that I’m here right now. How messed up is that!? I know its messed up! There are so many people in the world wishing that they had one more day and I’m here wishing that today was my last! Thats messed up!! I’m not going to kill myself that much I’m positive of. As much as I think about it I can’t leave the ones that I have in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone and make them feel anything like the way I’ve been feeling lately. It’s terrible.  I wish I could go back and live the life that once made me happy. That all the people that are missing in my life come back and make things right. For me to remember what its like to have a purpose and that someone honestly needs you.  I need to change the way my life is going but who the heck knows how to do that? IDK.  I just can’t feel like this forever. I”m getting so tired of it and the worst thing is its effecting everything about me.  Actually, not only me but the people around me too. My family I hardly speak to and they live in the same house,  I ignore my friends phone calls because its hard to fake being happy when ur so very not. It’s better to just say “I was busy” then to have to listen to the worry in their voices.  I have been talkiing to a psyciatrist and a therapist tho. Seems to be goin ok. Just still can’t stop these weird moods I get into. IDK. Its about 4:15am I guess I should try and get some sleep.  Thanks for lisening to my rant. Hopefully this will change soon!

XoX

The girl inside

She attempted to kill the numbness inside herself. Allowing her skin do the crying that she could never do. Each red tear transforming into an emotion, a thought or a memory to remind her she still exists. Making her believe that life is real. That she was no longer lost, but, the coded messages on her arms told her otherwise. Making it difficult to stop the addiction and hide the scares. She screams but no one listens. Look her in the eyes and you will understand. It’s her twisted way of breathing, her loss of control. Her pain publicly displayed on the canvas of herself. She doesn’t want your help she can do it on her own. Another tear another river she’s almost blown. It’s her loneliness, her pride, her way to know she’s alive. She can’t do this by herself she’s almost certain of it now. Who can she trust to hear her? When all they see are her scares.

Nother day another diagnosis!

I’m not sure what my problem is. My psychiatrist doesn’t really seem to know exactly as well! Its like he has no regard for people. I don’t doubt he cares but he seems like the one who has ADHD rather then me! LOL He’s so figity and rushes through everything! I just can’t process it all. Maybe its me IDK. He seems to think that I have a mild form of bipolar disorder called Cyclothymia. I’ve never heard of it until today. I have some medicine called Geodon and when I looked it online it is friggin scarrrrrrrryyy!!! All these side effects and warnings and stuff! I don’t know about it. He explained everything about it to me. Told me that I’m the boss in the treatment he’s just the advisor but I can’t help feeling that he CAN’T advise me because he doesn’t even know me! He just keeps throwing things at me and yet has no idea about my situation! He’s asked me like everytime I went to see him if I was ever taking Ambilify! He asks me like 3 times a visit and I’m only there for like 20 minutes! It’s just hard to think that he can help me when he doesn’t seem to actaully care. Does that make sense? He still thinks that I have ADHD and depression. I guess with the Cyclothymia it just adds to the list! I just wish everything would start all over! Like, either that or everything would just stop and level itself out, but in  a positve way. I can’t keep living with these feelings. This lonelyness and painting this worthless portrait of myself. I can’t control it. I can’t stop my thoughts from going to the morbid places they tend to hide. I’m just all over the place and hate that about myself.. No wonder everything is falling apart! I’m not even a person anymore but just someone who is messed he hell up!

Meaningful Song

Ok….well I’m not a fan at ALL of Miley Cyrus! Or Hanna Montana or whom ever the heck Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter is but I heard the song THE CLIMB on the way home from work and it really has some good lyrics!! It touched a chord! I’d like to share it with you guys:)  Made me think about whats been going on in my own life!! Well here it is

Miley Cyrus- The Climb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU7tV4GCmWw

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb (yeah)

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

To those I am sorry…

To whome it may concern,
I know that its a long shot that anyone that is concerned in this will actually read this on here. But I’m goin to appologize once again. This time I’m going to write it out and at least, selfishly, make myself feel better. I know what I did was messed up. Basically I fucked up big time. Eveyone says that I’m just young and everyone makes mistakes but I could have changed this. I’m 23 years old. I take soul responsiblity for my actions. I don’t know what I was thinking saturday night I was jaded by the effects of alcohol.  My blood alcohol level was 3 times the legal limit. Which is embarrising in itself. I’m not a big drinker and rarely do it any more then maybe once or twice a week if that.  Not that I’m usuing that as an excuse I shouldn’t of let it get out of control like it did. I’m sorry I caused such an upsetting scean for everyone. I’m sorry to sharry for kinda making your new appartment a mess. For spitting and falling into things. For making drama in front of ur new neighbors.  I know you say that it’s fine and it happens but this was the first time meeting you and I would like to start over. I am not the person you seen that night. I don’t know where she came from but I pray to God that she never shows her ugliness to anyone again. If I could take it all back and just go home after we went out I would have. I’m sorry to my boyfriend for making him worry that something terrible was going to happen to me. I saw the hurt, disapointment and worry on your face and I never want to know that I’m the cause for that again. I never EVER meant to hurt you! I love you more then anything life could offer. You are definetly the one for me. I’m sorry I wasn’t completly honest with you about the self harming. I wish u didn’t have to find out about it because of my drunkin stuper. I’ve tried to hid the disgusting scares from you because the truth hurt to much. I know you didn’t realize it was as bad as it was. I’m sorry that me overdoseing even crossed your mind. But for what it’s worth! I didn’t take anything that night. I want to stay with you and be with you forever until I’m old and have way to many grandkids or great great gradkids to remember all their names. To grow old and senial with you because you are the only one for me. I appreciate everything you do for me and for including me with everything.

 I’m sorry for making my friend Jordan sleep in the hospital waiting room instead of going back to his home and his girlfriend and making him worry and I regret that he had to witness my intoxicated nightmare. I’m sorry to the police officer and the EMT’s who I apparently fought with. I am extreamly sorry and did not mean to make your jobs harder then they all ready are. It takes special people to do the work you do and I’m thankful for you. I’m sorry to the ER staff that had to restain my punk ass. I’m sorry if I said anything offensive or did anything that was offensive to anyone at Saint Mary’s. To the nurses that were working with me. I’m sorry if I acted like a complete ass hole. I’m pretty sure I did and honestly it eats me away that acted the way I did. I’m so very thankful for the nurse who took care of me (you know who you are) I didn’t make this any easier for you but you held strong and told me how it was. When I told you I was going to go “AMA” you told me plan and straight that I was “going to get my ass knocked down and tied down….again” you made me laugh when I finally woke up and realized where the heck I was and what I had done. To the night nurse who treated me with nothiing but respect and dignity even tho my actions screamed that I didn’t deserve it. To the IV team who had to place 3 IV”s in my arm since I tore out 2 of them. I’m sorry. To my cousin Heather who I called early in the morning to come up to the hospital. I’m sorry that you had to leave ur one year old son and ur husband and drive almost an hour to see me in the rediculous state that I was in. I love you so much and appreciate you doing so. I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m sorry that I made you promise to not tell my mom and I’m greatful that you talked me into calling her. I’m sorry mom that I didn’t tell you sooner. I know if I had a daughter I would want to know that she was admitted to the hospital regardless of how busy I was or how rediculous and embarrasing the reason for being in the hospital was in the first place.  I’m sorry to my friend Stacey for getting frustrated and telling her she didn’t understand. Its not about understanding at this point. Its about listening. Thanks for being the best sister I’ve never had:) I’m sorry to my younger brother for not being a better role model. I hope you learn from my shameful example that drinking is only OK in moderation. I’m sorry for not being the responsible sister that I know you think I am. I’m sorry for making you think I’m something I’m not. Things just got the best of me and I (for lack of better words) fucked up. Just learn from my mistake and don’t let yourself fall in the same direction.  I’m sorry to all the people at the party who had to witness my drunkness. I’m sorry if I said anything or did anything to upset or anger anyone. I’m sorry that I can’t remeber basically anything from that night and to be completley honest I’m thankful that I don’t because the little I do know about that night eats away at me. I promise to you all that I am going to try my damnest to never let something like this happen again. I am going to lay off drinking for awhile. I wish I could say for ever but I can’t say what the future will hold. Its time to grow up. Actually its way past the growing up point and I guess it took something like wakeing up in ICU strapped down to a bed to make me realize it! I wish I could go back in time and change everything about that night. To just stay at Robb’s house with Jordan and play dorky video games. Thats what I’ll be doing a lot of for awhile until I can get myself together and try and deal with the shame and regret that I hold so close. I also learned that death is not ready for me yet becuase if it were then I would have gone that night. I’ve been struggling with depression and other issues like suicidal thoughts and even at one point a failed attempt. I realize that life has more meaning then what you give it credit for and I’m not ready to die. I must have something left here to complete? Something left to accomplish. I do have tons of things that I want to do. Why give up just now? Anyway, please forgive me for what I did because I am deeply sorry.

She laid there motionless…

She laid there motionless. Eyes bloodshot and full of tears. she held her breath. Her own heart beat mocked the silence of his. Mind spinning with memories of joys and pains past. Visions twisted and blurred as she wished she was no more. He was the love of her life. Now he was broken into no more then a picutre and a palm full of petals. His voice echoed in her thoughts. Regrets slammed her as she laid sprawled out on the concrete. Her heart bleeding with anger. Her head swelling with disbelief. She ignored the sympathy many passed around. They could never understand her sorrow let alone know her grief. She was stuck in that moment. No future of past. Only the sight of her own break in the winter sky and the realization that life goes by to fast.

DaggersShe

She stood in the middle of the highway. Her heart a hazzard of liquid spills. Her skin burnd while racing winds mangled her innocent tears. She screamed in silence unable to make a sound. Her toung was scarred by thoughts kept prisoner by daggers on her lips. She hoped to pull the trigger. To end this complaint of silence. To fill her core with dynamite and simply fade to dust. The train whistles echo leaving her no where to escape. Her heart had given up and now we are to late.

When the 5th year passes

I placed my thoughts on a park bench and held my eyes wide shut. Still hearing your voice echo through my head. Feeling the laugh that cured my sorrows. I wih I could see you one more time. Say that I was sorry. tell you that I love you. Your more to me then just a memory. You are the reason I am where I am. I miss you. I never want to leave this moment. Dont make me wake up. I want to stay this way forever. To stay where I can see you always. So please just walk on past and let me have this moment. One day I will see you again. Even though t’ll be on the other side. I miss you/

Could be an addiction…

I’m not sure whats goin on with me entirely. I know i’m not happy. I’m tryin to get help with it but what do you do when the help gets twisted around? When the help that was suppose to be used one way you turn around and mess it up? Im at that point right now. My psychiatris prescribed me Ritalin and the other night i got really really down and wanted to end my life…i didn’t try to but i did take a few more of them then i should have. It made me feel really goofy it was scary! Then now tonight I got this urge just to take some to feel better like to feel that high. It was stupid i know but I so desperately want these feelings to go away but I also know this ISN”T the answer. Its only a short term happiness but anything is better then living with this forever. A little break is needed to forget about whats goin on inside.  I just can’t get enought of the pills. I don’t think i have a problem yet but i do have an addictive character about me…so its hard to tell if this will just end up being nothing or what. I didn’t tell my doctor about it yet. I go see her on friday…i’ll do it then…I’m worried about this…i really dont want to end my life I just want things to be better. To feel better and actually mean it!